I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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