I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
