Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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