Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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