Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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