i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
where am i from again
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
