why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
