is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
