so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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