I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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