I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
