So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
