I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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