she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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