I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize