Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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