I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
