im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
