I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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