Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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