Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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