Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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