i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
