If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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