you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
