if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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