Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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