____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
It was confusing and full of hummus
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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