the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
