im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
