Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
