I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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