you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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