You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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