So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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