I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
