Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i think my cat just said my name.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
