i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
