So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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