Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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