Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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