I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So apparently I’m into choking now
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