Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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