I just saw a hot homeless man
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
