brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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