I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
