I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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