I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize