I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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