The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
