Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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