so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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