I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She's the barista slut.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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