somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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