You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
