I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He shit in the fireplace
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
