just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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