I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
